I'm now happily married with a daughter, but it wasn't always easy. When I was single and dating in the church, I struggled. I knew I wanted to date a Christian, but I didn't know how to tell if someone had good character. I learned the hard way that people can seem good on the outside but hide serious issues. So, I stopped reading relationship books and started looking at the Bible for answers. From my search, I found ten key warning signs, or "red flags," to watch out for.
1. They can't apologize or accept blame.
It's a big problem if someone can never admit they're wrong or say "I'm sorry." The Bible teaches that acknowledging our mistakes is the first step to being forgiven and growing as a person (Acts 3:19). The Holy Spirit helps us see where we've gone wrong (John 16:8). If someone ignores that and always blames others, it's a sign that God isn't able to work in their life. Marrying someone who can't take responsibility for their actions is a serious risk.
2. They are often angry or hold grudges.
Anger and holding grudges can poison a relationship. The Bible says that real love isn't easily angered and doesn't keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). It also warns us not to let bitterness grow, because it causes trouble (Hebrews 12:15). Instead of giving the silent treatment or yelling, we should follow Jesus' example of being patient with others. Of course, everyone gets angry sometimes. But if it's a constant pattern, a marriage with that person will likely be unhappy and lack love.
3. They are always negative.
It's draining to be with someone who is always pessimistic and can't see the good in anything. The Bible says that a sad heart can be bad for your health (Proverbs 17:22). We are encouraged to find joy and be thankful, even when things are hard (1 Thessalonians 5:16–18). If you want a partner who will lift you up, be careful about dating someone who is constantly negative and brings you down.
4. They create drama and conflict.
Some people always seem to be surrounded by drama. They might act like the victim, but if you look closer, you may see they actually like to stir up conflict and gossip. The Bible warns us to stay away from people who are quick to argue (Proverbs 15:18). Instead, we should try our best to live peacefully with everyone (Romans 12:18). A marriage full of constant fighting makes it harder to grow in your faith.
5. They are often impatient with others.
In any marriage, you'll find things that annoy you about your partner. That's why patience is so important. The Bible says love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4) and that we should be "bearing with one another in love" to keep peace (Ephesians 4:2–3). Patience is a quality of God himself. A partner who can't be patient with your flaws will make it hard to have a loving, Christ-like marriage.
6. They have a cruel side.
Cruelty comes from being selfish and not caring about others' feelings. At the start of a relationship, they might not be cruel to you. But watch how they treat people who can't do anything for them, like waiters, the poor, or animals. The Bible is very clear that God wants us to be kind and just (Micah 6:8). It says a wicked person is cruel, even to their animals (Proverbs 12:10). If someone isn't kind and caring to others, it's a sign that God's love is not in their heart.
7. They have questionable morals.
A person's morals—their sense of right and wrong—show you who they really are. If someone is willing to cheat, lie, use bad language, or disrespect physical boundaries, it shows they don't value honesty and goodness. The Bible tells us to focus on things that are true, honorable, pure, and good (Philippians 4:8). Being with someone who has poor morals can negatively influence you and pull you away from God (1 Corinthians 15:33).
8. They have a history of being unfaithful.
This one might seem obvious, but it's important. The Bible has a very high standard for faithfulness in marriage. It teaches that marriage should be honored by everyone (Hebrews 13:4). God considers divorce a very serious matter, allowing it only for specific reasons like unfaithfulness or being abandoned by a non-believing spouse (Matthew 19:9, 1 Corinthians 7:15). If someone has a history of cheating or not taking commitment seriously, it's a major warning sign. God takes the marriage promise very seriously, and we should too.
9. They can be harsh or violent.
Being harsh or violent is the opposite of love. Nothing will ruin a marriage faster than verbal or physical abuse. The Bible says that God hates violence (Psalm 11:5). This includes not just physical violence, but also harsh, cruel words. A "gentle tongue is a tree of life," but cruel words can break a person's spirit (Proverbs 15:4). The Bible tells us to be gentle. A person who can't control their tongue and says hurtful things shows their faith is not genuine (James 1:26).
10. They struggle with addiction.
Addiction comes in many forms, like drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, or even video games and shopping. The Bible warns that these things "wage war against your soul" (1 Peter 2:11). It says that if something controls you, you are a slave to it (2 Peter 2:19). Instead, we are encouraged to live self-controlled lives (Titus 2:11–12). Being in a close relationship with someone struggling with an active addiction is dangerous. As the Bible asks, "Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27)?
You might have noticed a pattern here. These red flags are basically the opposite of the "fruit of the Spirit" listed in the Bible: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22–23). Without God's help, it's impossible for us to be truly good on our own. The Bible says that we can only live a good and righteous life when God's Spirit is living in us (Romans 8:9).
Since a good character comes from the Holy Spirit, the most important thing to look for in a partner is their relationship with God. Nobody is perfect, and everyone will show some of these red flags at times. The key is what they do next. A true Christian will feel sorry, repent, and try to change, without blaming you. A good marriage helps both people grow closer to God because you encourage and support each other. As writer Ellen White said, a Christian home, run according to God's plan, is a wonderful help in building a strong Christian character.
